my prerogative

I have believed through out my life that at any given point ,no matter how much screwed everything might seem ,there is an inherent freedom of choice that man has been given as his birth right.I call it freedom because though the choices on their own might not be the most liberating of things ,but you are always free to choose one path or the other or either to choose the given path or to not to choose it.

This brings in a sense of security for what reasons I am unclear ,perhaps ,because this room in which I stand always has a door out of it -it is not closed with stones and bricks on all its four sides.

You know ,we find it comfortable and satisfactory to assume the concept of infinity ,basically because man is a creation who is afraid of knowing his limits.Once there is a limit to his imagination ,in this case the universe -time ,space and beyond-there is a limitation which has been imposed on him -which is one thing he can never agree to -just like an animal which will never like to be caged.

Though the concept of choice in some situations provides us with rather limited options,but the fact that we have the power to choose even if it is between the limited options satisfies our human ego.

Well ,the post was not supposed to be on this philosophy ,rather it was supposed to drive home the point that the choices made,the decision taken , the thoughts encountered are all very important in deciding the character one builts and the course his/her life shall follow.This seems like a moral science lecture

Today morning when I got up at 7:45 I had a choice of attending the 8'o clock class or bunking it ,much easily lying on my cosy bed ;but only for my alarm clock -room mate who unluckily had taken more sleep than needed and I thought it was better to complete the rest of my sleep in the sleepy class than in my fully awakened room.Once there I had the choice of sitting in the front row or taking my favorite backbench-then the choice of putting my head down and sleeping or looking into the eyes of the professor and sleeping.Ditto next class with the important modification of the choice between reading a novel or the spicy newspaper.Then I had an assignment to submit -still I had the choice of completing in one of the lectures in an hour break after my 2nd class or at the eleventh hour -in the lunch break of 1 hour or then not submitting it at all .It so happens that eleven is my favourite number.

My life is full of choices at every point -and why just mine-it is the same for everyone.All around I see people taking decisions on their careers ,their extra-curriculars ,their love life ,their family matters ,friends ,habits and what not.All showing that everyone of them has plenty of options .

A judge has an option - of standing for what is right or for what people might consider right or simply being wrong on his part.The judge enjoys his position because he has options.Any person with more options is in a better position at that moment of choice,but I believe ,its only for that moment,after he has made his choice, he gets equal with those who had a lesser number of choice-after that he can be judged looking back and judging his judgement -his choice.So though all of us have the power to decide at some point of time ,but still we are answerable to the choices we make.

A seeker of justice has an option to stand up and question what has been imposed on him/her or not to.Acceptance or denial of mistakes is another choice.Keeping opinions is another choice.Choosing the man/woman you wish to spend your rest of life with is one of the crucial choices-though this might be an arbitary term 'crucial ' no situation is unimportant enough not to be crucial.Like it might be a crucial decision ,if at this junction I decide not to share all my precious thoughts with all you sleeping ,irregular visitors to my blog.....hm..... choices make up life - life is a choice .

DELETED !

It is 11:00 a.m and I have just come after nailing the last nail into my coffin of my first death in this sequence of three deaths and three resurrections repeated every 6 months which people on campus call minors 1,2 and major. I had written 'sigh'as the title of the post but have changed it now ...To hell with all sighs..!

A great day can only begin if you wish it turns out to be one and leave remorsing.I have left all my remorses far behind in this journey and am cheerful most of the time concentrating on all nice aspects of life.The exams flew by like a blink of the eye ,could never catch a glimpse of what was going on.

I plan to catch up with some cool and some not so cool movies for the remaining weekend and the monday which is again an off for me.There have been some memories (good or bad cant decide)of movies I had watched as a kid in theatres back home.Amazingly I loved many of them at that time -infact was often the AIR on move for people and friends I decided had interest in my story telling-but now as I look back ,some of them can be classified as absolute disasters as of now ,nevertheless they share a part of my memory for the rest of my life.The movies put up on theatre were generally Bollywood movies or English movies after months of being declared a hit world over.It was generally a big event for us -the kids - to plan a movie -to find an elder without whom we couldn't get the permission from the Chair-so we 6-7 brothers and sisters saw to our plans being executed till perfection.Some disappointments were also faced like end time withdrawl of the elder company,or full house(s) ,or reaching the hall on a friday only to find the movie we had been craving to be seen already pulled down.

There was this movie 'Khuda Gawah'which in those days was being waited for-anxiously- as the first time coming together of big stars Amitabh Bacchan and Sri Devi.I was/am a big fan of Sri Devi ,so as expected watched the movie on the big screen .I remember the scene where Amitabh and Sri Devi are shown riding on a horse -racing and fighting for some thing ( pork ..dunno!)in Afghanistan--I just remember it ,not as some great scene but simply .After we had watched the movie we had gone through some very basic analysis of statistics and had calculated the year in which Doordarshan would show the movie.(DD ran two year late in our expectations).One disaster that I could point to even at that time was the movie 'Chaahat'-most would not even probably remember but it was yakkk...it was one of those attempts(failed) of the Bhatt Camp to make a star of the extinguished Pooja Bhatt.I dont remember a thing from the movie except for the double treat we extracted from uncle on having to sit in absolute torture on his birthday.

Then another of these lesser remembered movie was 'Gumrah' starring Sanjay Dutt and Sri Devi(yet again)-it reminds me of three things one a very fresh avtaar of Sri much changed from her previous Jeetendra company ,the song 'Mai tera aashique hoon' and the scene - in which the hero and heroine try and escape from a drain it was quite a new idea for me then as a kid-that running and escaping through a drain.

Better of my memories of childhood comprise of movies like Lamhe,DDLJ ,Jurassic Park(part1 -part 2 wasnt that great) ,and yes there was this movie Sapnay which we had planned to go -absent mindedly -on a Friday only to find it replaced by some A movie.But that made me to see'Ziddi' which to my amazement I had enjoyed-if not for this mixup I would have never seen it or tried to see it.

Ok then moving to one of my all time favourites -Lamhe is the only movie which I have watched times counting in double figures.My Mom doesnt really like it when I put it on whenever I am at home tired of listening to the same dialogue again and again.But nevertheless it is played atleast once if I am at home and am not occupied .What I liked about the movie except for my favourite actress and that too in a double role(double treat) was the beautiful relations portrayed - none of them was any blood relations -be it of Daaeeja(Wahida Rehman) or Virendra (Anil Kapoor),or Pooja(Sri Devi) ,Daaeja and Veerendra or of Prem(Anupam Kher)and others but there stood a bond stronger than all blood relations and more obvious than all into the face Maa mai aa gaya -mujhe aashirwaad do -kind of dialogues +coupled with all the youth it so successfully transfers -rational or irrational thinking of the protagonist(that too is a speculation-at times I feel it is obviously Sri Devi,at others I feel it is Anil Kapoor who faces this dilemna of being loved by the daughter of his lost love,and then it could well have been Wahida Rehmaan who is a mother-like to all the characters or Anoopam Kher who is the strenght pillar and touchstone for his friend at most crucial time and constructs the turning point of the story).Pointing out one fav scene from the movie would be injustice to the others.So I dont.

Its been a long post and have almost forgotten the sigh.
Sigh!
Bye

Mitti meri kabra se chura raha hai koi
Mar kar bhi bahut yaad aa raha hai koi
Ek pal ki zindagi de de aur Khuda
Maayoos meri kabra se jaa raha hai koi
(Overheard )

On a lighter note
'There was once an old man of Lyme
who married three wives at a time
When asked 'Why a third ?'
He replied ;'One's absurd !
And bigamy ,Sir,is a crime.'

I had two open books exams today.You know I feel these are really of no good to me ,just as are closed books-I mean just because I know I have this book with me there in the exam hall ,I dont tend to remember things -the same case the other way round and most of the time of that brief 1 hour is spent in turning pages just to find what you had forgotten to remember to read and understand ,on which you have a question which constitutes 60%of the total marks which has to be replied in the next 10 minutes with another question you left because you thought it is too theoretical and simple to do right in the beginning....So I hate open book exams and I hate closed books even more because they dont keep me occupied long enough for that 1 hour.So basically I hate exams .

I just happened to remember a few movies I had seen with my friends and family ,years back ,in simple theatres and that made me remember things like the big theatre ,those chairs ,the tring tring of the cold drink seller at the time of intermission.I somehow seemed to like all that more than the PVR theatres which have that feeling of past missing in them.But ,perhaps ,still PVR would be my choice rather than those old theatres if I had to watch a movie right now.The feeling is same when I go to a restaurant -I like it more to hear the crammed up list straight from the waiter's mouth than to go through that dumb menu.It makes the list a little lively .

I have an exam tomorrow morning ,have not studied as yet ,but everything has finally to go -so will it .

Dear me
I am glad you wrote and wrote to judge. Judge my life –ours that- is but judgements cant be passed in isolation, so I decided to write back to you. I promise I wont pretend and I shall be what I think .

I agree when I had set off sail I knew nothing about how was I supposed to captain my ship –I knew nothing about the rough seas ,the unseen storms and those horrifying deadly creatures which welcomed me all along . I had set on a voyage to enjoy the voyage without knowing what lands I shall reach to or whether I shall at all .

Yes I have seen and faught it all but I have faught not always to win ,rather it is very seldom that I have won. But victory is so much relative –from where you view I stand as a defeated soldier –scarred ,bruised , mauled , wounded ,zinged .But even as a defeated soldier I have never turned my back and never even thought of running away from the battlefield – when at most occasions I was fully justified in doing it .

I might be defeated –but I have never been a coward .I have faced it all –the disasters ,the storms , the demons and the ruthless sea .I would have been much safer if instead I had taken refuge in another ship ,captained by some experienced sailor – but I chose to captain my raft –to face everything on my own .

You are right I am numb .There are people all around me .They tell me what is better for my life and what is not . I have chosen to become numb to them . And I have chosen this consciously .These are my choices and this is my life – it is very easy to blindly follow what people say –to accept what are their beliefs which are actually not theirs but some which they have inherited from some past generations of beliefs and believers in them. But I have chosen to discover things myself –not re-explore the treaded paths which have now left trails of generations passing over them.

So don’t worry if there are no more victories in store for me –I am a victor until I stand in the battlefield refusing to leave –numb to people ,feelings , thoughts , all worldly wises ,numb to pain ,laughter ,ignores , disdain ,numb to failures and success . The marks of the battle are where they are supposed to be –on my face and none on my back and I wear them proudly –all those marks which the world calls failures .

I am the creator of my past ,present and future .I might seem in a deep slumber to the outside world -but watch closely –I lie awakened within.
Love you
Stay with me always...

Beyond those trees that I can see from my window are birds which are flying back home and on the road which is almost not visible but clearly audible are people who are driving back home -to their loved ones.The last streaks of sun's rays lighten the sky.The darkness is setting out as much as it is setting in.I do not know how to start a thing like I don't know how to end it.So let me try this -a letter to myself.I think you are most honest to yourself when you just don't have to pretend.

Dear Me
I have often asked you this -are you what you are supposed to be?Please don't misinterpret me like you always do-supposed does not mean what Dad wants you to be or how Mom sees her future in your actions or what your brother expects or what your sister is proud of.I mean just you.The word 'suppose'carries 'pose'.No -don't pose for -you can do it in front of a camera or the mirror or the people and the world but in front of me -you are plain .

When you had set off for your journey you had hardly known it had started ,you had made aims ,of which you had not known the consequences..results.Then achieving them was -your mounting those small Everest peaks-that was adventure .You saw these things which were left unconquered and you conquered them one by one.Things happened -though which were tough even then but you had seen a dream or rather you had seen ways to escape few nightmares.You succeeded.

But now that you have climbed downhill and you are not there -on the top -what you see in front of you is straight ,stretching for miles,unending plains.You are afraid.You were not afraid of the heights but you are of the distance that spreads until the horizon.You are afraid because for travelling this distance you dont have your family which was then there.You are afraid because you have to travel this journey with your baggage of you actions and their consequences and you are afraid because this is not a lonely path you have to travel ,it would have been perhaps more comfortable -if it were so, but rather it has to be crossed with some hollow souls who whenever view the world keep a mirror in between the people to see every single thing relative to them.

You hate all those people because they are not like you.You hate even more -all those who seem so sure of whatever they are upto.You loath those who always have some reason to live which for you seems better than yours.You abominate everyone who does not like you -even more those who like you and still never appreciate.You curse those who wear masks to seem picture perfect.You hate even more those who are really picture perfect.Just because you are in this habit of hating at times you hate all those who genuinely love you .Not being you -brought you to hate yourself.

Slowly everything around became dark just like now it is outside.Everything around does not really matter because now you are numb and comfortably so.Numb to people ,numb to feelings ,numb to expectations ,numb to thoughts ,numb to reactions , numb to hunting and haunting eyes ,numb to rushing steps which brutally cross over you-crushing you ,numb to these splattering hailstones which have wounded you so badly ,numb to these teasing voices which would not let you take a step forward ,numb to these ragged clothes that you wear, numb to all those who have kept trying to prove themselves better ,numb to all those who have proved better ,numb to desires of success and numb to fears of failure , numb to pains ,numb to laughters ,numb to disdain ,numb to ignores ,numb to yourself -numb to me and my voice.No dont wake up -dont take this as a wake up call -you shall do much better in your deep sleep in this world full of life ,I just pray that when you die you die more responsive and awakened to life-that the numbness does not leave you before your soul leaves your body.

I think it was a wrong question.You are not even capable of 'supposed to be'.But let us both who shall never leave each other pray for the numbness to set in.

Amen