Beyond those trees that I can see from my window are birds which are flying back home and on the road which is almost not visible but clearly audible are people who are driving back home -to their loved ones.The last streaks of sun's rays lighten the sky.The darkness is setting out as much as it is setting in.I do not know how to start a thing like I don't know how to end it.So let me try this -a letter to myself.I think you are most honest to yourself when you just don't have to pretend.

Dear Me
I have often asked you this -are you what you are supposed to be?Please don't misinterpret me like you always do-supposed does not mean what Dad wants you to be or how Mom sees her future in your actions or what your brother expects or what your sister is proud of.I mean just you.The word 'suppose'carries 'pose'.No -don't pose for -you can do it in front of a camera or the mirror or the people and the world but in front of me -you are plain .

When you had set off for your journey you had hardly known it had started ,you had made aims ,of which you had not known the consequences..results.Then achieving them was -your mounting those small Everest peaks-that was adventure .You saw these things which were left unconquered and you conquered them one by one.Things happened -though which were tough even then but you had seen a dream or rather you had seen ways to escape few nightmares.You succeeded.

But now that you have climbed downhill and you are not there -on the top -what you see in front of you is straight ,stretching for miles,unending plains.You are afraid.You were not afraid of the heights but you are of the distance that spreads until the horizon.You are afraid because for travelling this distance you dont have your family which was then there.You are afraid because you have to travel this journey with your baggage of you actions and their consequences and you are afraid because this is not a lonely path you have to travel ,it would have been perhaps more comfortable -if it were so, but rather it has to be crossed with some hollow souls who whenever view the world keep a mirror in between the people to see every single thing relative to them.

You hate all those people because they are not like you.You hate even more -all those who seem so sure of whatever they are upto.You loath those who always have some reason to live which for you seems better than yours.You abominate everyone who does not like you -even more those who like you and still never appreciate.You curse those who wear masks to seem picture perfect.You hate even more those who are really picture perfect.Just because you are in this habit of hating at times you hate all those who genuinely love you .Not being you -brought you to hate yourself.

Slowly everything around became dark just like now it is outside.Everything around does not really matter because now you are numb and comfortably so.Numb to people ,numb to feelings ,numb to expectations ,numb to thoughts ,numb to reactions , numb to hunting and haunting eyes ,numb to rushing steps which brutally cross over you-crushing you ,numb to these splattering hailstones which have wounded you so badly ,numb to these teasing voices which would not let you take a step forward ,numb to these ragged clothes that you wear, numb to all those who have kept trying to prove themselves better ,numb to all those who have proved better ,numb to desires of success and numb to fears of failure , numb to pains ,numb to laughters ,numb to disdain ,numb to ignores ,numb to yourself -numb to me and my voice.No dont wake up -dont take this as a wake up call -you shall do much better in your deep sleep in this world full of life ,I just pray that when you die you die more responsive and awakened to life-that the numbness does not leave you before your soul leaves your body.

I think it was a wrong question.You are not even capable of 'supposed to be'.But let us both who shall never leave each other pray for the numbness to set in.

Amen