my prerogative

Vacuum

2006-10-15T13:09:13+02:00

No tears
No fears
No aims
No games
No fame
No name
No shame
No thought
Nothing I ever got
No smiles
Not even for a while
No respect
No-dont expect
No rhymes
No chymes
No gains
No rains
Nothing ,
Nothing now pains.

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Back!

2006-10-14T13:44:14+02:00

Words4ever !

I wonder how did that come to my mind. Nothing's forever.No words. No deeds. No relations. Nothing - and yet we use this word more than often to realize its hollowness.

Pretty philosophical ...huh! nahhhhhhh....

Just the usual minor's time.No particular reason why I came back here. I just wanted to check whether I remembered the passord to this account and BINGO ! I did. Its funny how I remember most things which do not fetch me marks . Rest all I tend to forget, like all the formulaes in my paper.If I was the person who was leading this education institute I would change the pattern of paper from rattofication to that of understanding and enjoyment.But I am not and I rather not be.

Guess what ! I have just entered this comp center and as usual forgot that it is a saturday and I am being asked to logout. Phew!

Hy but wait! I just found another thing that I forget which does not get me marks.

For the rest lets hope Zindagi rocks!

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title-661750

2006-03-20T19:02:40+01:00

Here I am starting from cipher as Sifar.

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The tata and the trio

2006-03-04T23:07:53+01:00

Tonight was the last event for the EDLC (English debate and Literary Club)-a club for which I had been the hostel representative for the last two semesters. It was a memorable and learning experience for me on the whole.I have met the best people I have ever known through this club.Working together as a team ,a small group of 10 -11 people was wonderful ,specially when none of those have a single trait in common-all absolutely different with qualities of their own .

Well ,I was really relaxed after the event was over and planned to write a post on it (EDLC and the treasured memories) until I read one of my friend's testimonial for another of my friend.Rewind to my school days.

Back in Sophia we had a very strong group of about 12 girls -all great friends .But after we changed our streams we slightly grew out of touch .Parul ,Aki and I for some weird reasons which we still can't figure out opted to take Maths and hence the choice of engineering followed.We were together into all our endeavours and the disasters that followed .I guess we had our share of wild crazy things that we accomplished as a trio.

Parul is one of those who are born jokers .They just dont have to do anything -i.e try hard at making people laugh.She has this contagious attitude that spreads giggles and smiles and laughter. Most of the times she gets her timely comments direct on target but when she doesn't she gets pathetic -though in both situation she remains the most amusing person on earth.
Aki is this chirpy girl next-door who will laugh to tears ,carry all her baggage of her past with her ,discuss every possible - smallest of the smallest (consider an encounter (a simple hi for a fraction of second) with sm person X -) she makes them seem like events and (this one really amuses me) connects a mental list of all things yet not told to another mental list of all people yet not caged .(She doesnt read my blog..that's good for me)...and what not .Together we were the most complimentary association of three ppl which supplemented each other in the best possible way.

Well I am posting here a testimonial that Parul wrote for Aki ,one of her bad bad writings I have read in a long long time.By the way,otherwise she writes pretty well .But the poem full of errors and stupid fit-in rhymes (Consider the last lines....the most desperate of attempts I have ever seen at rhyming ) is one which refreshed my memories and would have moved me to tears if I would have been in the mood to -but you know I am not -I am over with all the duties as an EDLC Rep !Thus the tata
But seriously speaking these lines describe our trio in an excellent way-

AND I QUOTE

"those were days chirpy and colourful
those memories r saved in heart n r wonderful
innocence childhood
and yet we were on edge of yoof
we have shared our tedy years
and walked together thru girlhood
our topics changed from soft toys to boys...
all naughtiness of a kid
to juvenille young gals bliss .....
she has been there since years near me
the trio is still entwined n may be it always
i pray to thee!!!
ritu aki u r special in heart
n yeah i don think ne hunk can play ur part.... ;- )
remember the years we fought we disagreed
then we grew to face complexities of deeds
career ambitions success failure all
was that we had gone thru together...
butneva cd nethin tear u apart..
i know inspite of nethin we did neva depart....
my sweet days r lonely incomplete without u two
we have entered new lives ..
with relations bonds totally new
but still we are blended in a string
very strong

how we laughed at each oda yet neva sarcastic....
how we ate everythin whether food or plastic
how we transformed from tomboys to gals
delicate n decent
n material for chums
we have together also tolerated ppl
who were friends but u no how they were....
n still moved on to be a support
n yeah to each oda submitted life's also reports
my golden times my uncontrollable laughters
my innocent tears
my stupid desires
our wonderful dreams
all we have shared
friends in life r many
but nappy ones r rare...................."

UNQUOTE

Actually I would have loved to put in my inputs and change some parts of this poem ,but I think that would have taken away a lot from what this poem brings back to me - a refreshing and rejuventaing breeze of friendship from the past.

Tata

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Choices

2006-02-28T20:42:51+01:00

I have believed through out my life that at any given point ,no matter how much screwed everything might seem ,there is an inherent freedom of choice that man has been given as his birth right.I call it freedom because though the choices on their own might not be the most liberating of things ,but you are always free to choose one path or the other or either to choose the given path or to not to choose it.

This brings in a sense of security for what reasons I am unclear ,perhaps ,because this room in which I stand always has a door out of it -it is not closed with stones and bricks on all its four sides.

You know ,we find it comfortable and satisfactory to assume the concept of infinity ,basically because man is a creation who is afraid of knowing his limits.Once there is a limit to his imagination ,in this case the universe -time ,space and beyond-there is a limitation which has been imposed on him -which is one thing he can never agree to -just like an animal which will never like to be caged.

Though the concept of choice in some situations provides us with rather limited options,but the fact that we have the power to choose even if it is between the limited options satisfies our human ego.

Well ,the post was not supposed to be on this philosophy ,rather it was supposed to drive home the point that the choices made,the decision taken , the thoughts encountered are all very important in deciding the character one builts and the course his/her life shall follow.This seems like a moral science lecture

Today morning when I got up at 7:45 I had a choice of attending the 8'o clock class or bunking it ,much easily lying on my cosy bed ;but only for my alarm clock -room mate who unluckily had taken more sleep than needed and I thought it was better to complete the rest of my sleep in the sleepy class than in my fully awakened room.Once there I had the choice of sitting in the front row or taking my favorite backbench-then the choice of putting my head down and sleeping or looking into the eyes of the professor and sleeping.Ditto next class with the important modification of the choice between reading a novel or the spicy newspaper.Then I had an assignment to submit -still I had the choice of completing in one of the lectures in an hour break after my 2nd class or at the eleventh hour -in the lunch break of 1 hour or then not submitting it at all .It so happens that eleven is my favourite number.

My life is full of choices at every point -and why just mine-it is the same for everyone.All around I see people taking decisions on their careers ,their extra-curriculars ,their love life ,their family matters ,friends ,habits and what not.All showing that everyone of them has plenty of options .

A judge has an option - of standing for what is right or for what people might consider right or simply being wrong on his part.The judge enjoys his position because he has options.Any person with more options is in a better position at that moment of choice,but I believe ,its only for that moment,after he has made his choice, he gets equal with those who had a lesser number of choice-after that he can be judged looking back and judging his judgement -his choice.So though all of us have the power to decide at some point of time ,but still we are answerable to the choices we make.

A seeker of justice has an option to stand up and question what has been imposed on him/her or not to.Acceptance or denial of mistakes is another choice.Keeping opinions is another choice.Choosing the man/woman you wish to spend your rest of life with is one of the crucial choices-though this might be an arbitary term 'crucial ' no situation is unimportant enough not to be crucial.Like it might be a crucial decision ,if at this junction I decide not to share all my precious thoughts with all you sleeping ,irregular visitors to my blog.....hm..... choices make up life - life is a choice .

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Lovely Suicide

2006-02-22T07:36:46+01:00

DELETED !

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Of movies watched , forgotten and remembered...

2006-02-19T07:29:31+01:00

It is 11:00 a.m and I have just come after nailing the last nail into my coffin of my first death in this sequence of three deaths and three resurrections repeated every 6 months which people on campus call minors 1,2 and major. I had written 'sigh'as the title of the post but have changed it now ...To hell with all sighs..!

A great day can only begin if you wish it turns out to be one and leave remorsing.I have left all my remorses far behind in this journey and am cheerful most of the time concentrating on all nice aspects of life.The exams flew by like a blink of the eye ,could never catch a glimpse of what was going on.

I plan to catch up with some cool and some not so cool movies for the remaining weekend and the monday which is again an off for me.There have been some memories (good or bad cant decide)of movies I had watched as a kid in theatres back home.Amazingly I loved many of them at that time -infact was often the AIR on move for people and friends I decided had interest in my story telling-but now as I look back ,some of them can be classified as absolute disasters as of now ,nevertheless they share a part of my memory for the rest of my life.The movies put up on theatre were generally Bollywood movies or English movies after months of being declared a hit world over.It was generally a big event for us -the kids - to plan a movie -to find an elder without whom we couldn't get the permission from the Chair-so we 6-7 brothers and sisters saw to our plans being executed till perfection.Some disappointments were also faced like end time withdrawl of the elder company,or full house(s) ,or reaching the hall on a friday only to find the movie we had been craving to be seen already pulled down.

There was this movie 'Khuda Gawah'which in those days was being waited for-anxiously- as the first time coming together of big stars Amitabh Bacchan and Sri Devi.I was/am a big fan of Sri Devi ,so as expected watched the movie on the big screen .I remember the scene where Amitabh and Sri Devi are shown riding on a horse -racing and fighting for some thing ( pork ..dunno!)in Afghanistan--I just remember it ,not as some great scene but simply .After we had watched the movie we had gone through some very basic analysis of statistics and had calculated the year in which Doordarshan would show the movie.(DD ran two year late in our expectations).One disaster that I could point to even at that time was the movie 'Chaahat'-most would not even probably remember but it was yakkk...it was one of those attempts(failed) of the Bhatt Camp to make a star of the extinguished Pooja Bhatt.I dont remember a thing from the movie except for the double treat we extracted from uncle on having to sit in absolute torture on his birthday.

Then another of these lesser remembered movie was 'Gumrah' starring Sanjay Dutt and Sri Devi(yet again)-it reminds me of three things one a very fresh avtaar of Sri much changed from her previous Jeetendra company ,the song 'Mai tera aashique hoon' and the scene - in which the hero and heroine try and escape from a drain it was quite a new idea for me then as a kid-that running and escaping through a drain.

Better of my memories of childhood comprise of movies like Lamhe,DDLJ ,Jurassic Park(part1 -part 2 wasnt that great) ,and yes there was this movie Sapnay which we had planned to go -absent mindedly -on a Friday only to find it replaced by some A movie.But that made me to see'Ziddi' which to my amazement I had enjoyed-if not for this mixup I would have never seen it or tried to see it.

Ok then moving to one of my all time favourites -Lamhe is the only movie which I have watched times counting in double figures.My Mom doesnt really like it when I put it on whenever I am at home tired of listening to the same dialogue again and again.But nevertheless it is played atleast once if I am at home and am not occupied .What I liked about the movie except for my favourite actress and that too in a double role(double treat) was the beautiful relations portrayed - none of them was any blood relations -be it of Daaeeja(Wahida Rehman) or Virendra (Anil Kapoor),or Pooja(Sri Devi) ,Daaeja and Veerendra or of Prem(Anupam Kher)and others but there stood a bond stronger than all blood relations and more obvious than all into the face Maa mai aa gaya -mujhe aashirwaad do -kind of dialogues +coupled with all the youth it so successfully transfers -rational or irrational thinking of the protagonist(that too is a speculation-at times I feel it is obviously Sri Devi,at others I feel it is Anil Kapoor who faces this dilemna of being loved by the daughter of his lost love,and then it could well have been Wahida Rehmaan who is a mother-like to all the characters or Anoopam Kher who is the strenght pillar and touchstone for his friend at most crucial time and constructs the turning point of the story).Pointing out one fav scene from the movie would be injustice to the others.So I dont.

Its been a long post and have almost forgotten the sigh.
Sigh!
Bye

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Overheard shaayari

2006-02-18T11:19:51+01:00

Mitti meri kabra se chura raha hai koi
Mar kar bhi bahut yaad aa raha hai koi
Ek pal ki zindagi de de aur Khuda
Maayoos meri kabra se jaa raha hai koi
(Overheard )

On a lighter note
'There was once an old man of Lyme
who married three wives at a time
When asked 'Why a third ?'
He replied ;'One's absurd !
And bigamy ,Sir,is a crime.'

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Another Day

2006-02-17T20:20:02+01:00

I had two open books exams today.You know I feel these are really of no good to me ,just as are closed books-I mean just because I know I have this book with me there in the exam hall ,I dont tend to remember things -the same case the other way round and most of the time of that brief 1 hour is spent in turning pages just to find what you had forgotten to remember to read and understand ,on which you have a question which constitutes 60%of the total marks which has to be replied in the next 10 minutes with another question you left because you thought it is too theoretical and simple to do right in the beginning....So I hate open book exams and I hate closed books even more because they dont keep me occupied long enough for that 1 hour.So basically I hate exams .

I just happened to remember a few movies I had seen with my friends and family ,years back ,in simple theatres and that made me remember things like the big theatre ,those chairs ,the tring tring of the cold drink seller at the time of intermission.I somehow seemed to like all that more than the PVR theatres which have that feeling of past missing in them.But ,perhaps ,still PVR would be my choice rather than those old theatres if I had to watch a movie right now.The feeling is same when I go to a restaurant -I like it more to hear the crammed up list straight from the waiter's mouth than to go through that dumb menu.It makes the list a little lively .

I have an exam tomorrow morning ,have not studied as yet ,but everything has finally to go -so will it .

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Re:Dear me

2006-02-14T21:23:44+01:00

Dear me
I am glad you wrote and wrote to judge. Judge my life –ours that- is but judgements cant be passed in isolation, so I decided to write back to you. I promise I wont pretend and I shall be what I think .

I agree when I had set off sail I knew nothing about how was I supposed to captain my ship –I knew nothing about the rough seas ,the unseen storms and those horrifying deadly creatures which welcomed me all along . I had set on a voyage to enjoy the voyage without knowing what lands I shall reach to or whether I shall at all .

Yes I have seen and faught it all but I have faught not always to win ,rather it is very seldom that I have won. But victory is so much relative –from where you view I stand as a defeated soldier –scarred ,bruised , mauled , wounded ,zinged .But even as a defeated soldier I have never turned my back and never even thought of running away from the battlefield – when at most occasions I was fully justified in doing it .

I might be defeated –but I have never been a coward .I have faced it all –the disasters ,the storms , the demons and the ruthless sea .I would have been much safer if instead I had taken refuge in another ship ,captained by some experienced sailor – but I chose to captain my raft –to face everything on my own .

You are right I am numb .There are people all around me .They tell me what is better for my life and what is not . I have chosen to become numb to them . And I have chosen this consciously .These are my choices and this is my life – it is very easy to blindly follow what people say –to accept what are their beliefs which are actually not theirs but some which they have inherited from some past generations of beliefs and believers in them. But I have chosen to discover things myself –not re-explore the treaded paths which have now left trails of generations passing over them.

So don’t worry if there are no more victories in store for me –I am a victor until I stand in the battlefield refusing to leave –numb to people ,feelings , thoughts , all worldly wises ,numb to pain ,laughter ,ignores , disdain ,numb to failures and success . The marks of the battle are where they are supposed to be –on my face and none on my back and I wear them proudly –all those marks which the world calls failures .

I am the creator of my past ,present and future .I might seem in a deep slumber to the outside world -but watch closely –I lie awakened within.
Love you
Stay with me always...

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Soliloquy

2006-02-12T15:18:03+01:00

Beyond those trees that I can see from my window are birds which are flying back home and on the road which is almost not visible but clearly audible are people who are driving back home -to their loved ones.The last streaks of sun's rays lighten the sky.The darkness is setting out as much as it is setting in.I do not know how to start a thing like I don't know how to end it.So let me try this -a letter to myself.I think you are most honest to yourself when you just don't have to pretend.

Dear Me
I have often asked you this -are you what you are supposed to be?Please don't misinterpret me like you always do-supposed does not mean what Dad wants you to be or how Mom sees her future in your actions or what your brother expects or what your sister is proud of.I mean just you.The word 'suppose'carries 'pose'.No -don't pose for -you can do it in front of a camera or the mirror or the people and the world but in front of me -you are plain .

When you had set off for your journey you had hardly known it had started ,you had made aims ,of which you had not known the consequences..results.Then achieving them was -your mounting those small Everest peaks-that was adventure .You saw these things which were left unconquered and you conquered them one by one.Things happened -though which were tough even then but you had seen a dream or rather you had seen ways to escape few nightmares.You succeeded.

But now that you have climbed downhill and you are not there -on the top -what you see in front of you is straight ,stretching for miles,unending plains.You are afraid.You were not afraid of the heights but you are of the distance that spreads until the horizon.You are afraid because for travelling this distance you dont have your family which was then there.You are afraid because you have to travel this journey with your baggage of you actions and their consequences and you are afraid because this is not a lonely path you have to travel ,it would have been perhaps more comfortable -if it were so, but rather it has to be crossed with some hollow souls who whenever view the world keep a mirror in between the people to see every single thing relative to them.

You hate all those people because they are not like you.You hate even more -all those who seem so sure of whatever they are upto.You loath those who always have some reason to live which for you seems better than yours.You abominate everyone who does not like you -even more those who like you and still never appreciate.You curse those who wear masks to seem picture perfect.You hate even more those who are really picture perfect.Just because you are in this habit of hating at times you hate all those who genuinely love you .Not being you -brought you to hate yourself.

Slowly everything around became dark just like now it is outside.Everything around does not really matter because now you are numb and comfortably so.Numb to people ,numb to feelings ,numb to expectations ,numb to thoughts ,numb to reactions , numb to hunting and haunting eyes ,numb to rushing steps which brutally cross over you-crushing you ,numb to these splattering hailstones which have wounded you so badly ,numb to these teasing voices which would not let you take a step forward ,numb to these ragged clothes that you wear, numb to all those who have kept trying to prove themselves better ,numb to all those who have proved better ,numb to desires of success and numb to fears of failure , numb to pains ,numb to laughters ,numb to disdain ,numb to ignores ,numb to yourself -numb to me and my voice.No dont wake up -dont take this as a wake up call -you shall do much better in your deep sleep in this world full of life ,I just pray that when you die you die more responsive and awakened to life-that the numbness does not leave you before your soul leaves your body.

I think it was a wrong question.You are not even capable of 'supposed to be'.But let us both who shall never leave each other pray for the numbness to set in.

Amen

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My small wishlist

2006-01-28T08:21:29+01:00

This morning I wrote down two lists of what I wish from my life.The first one had the ultimate things I require from my life and I was surprised to know that there was nothing radical that I wanted from it.Just simple things .Few of them were beyond my control ,the rest I would have anyways got.

The 2nd list that I made was of smaller things,which does not fill life on a bigger picture ,but it definitely fills in moments.So writing them made me feel I have things to do and I should stop moaning over the futility of life.
Here they are -

1.I wish to play violin ,making music from the depths of my heart.
2.I wish to be a good orator.
3.I wish to learn waltz.
4.I know how to make choclates (1 kind),I wish to excel at making variety of them.
5.I wish to gain deep knowledge of whatever I am studying.
6.I wish to read and understand each word of my scriptures.
7.I wish to see places.
8.I wish to do a good deed each day,something that makes me feel satisfied at the end of each day.
9.I wish to either see the depth of oceans or watch the earth from space.
10.I wish to play my role once on stage.

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100 Things that bug me...

2006-01-17T15:02:03+01:00

I reached my class with my 20 smthng list of things that bug me ,when someone asked my teacher the relevance of making us write such a thing.And what he said struck me and brought the lazy and sleepy innovative thinker in me(which hibernates for 11 odd months ),and pushed aside this philosopher who is associated with anything and everything which is related to ...hm.....inaction (sounds too bad) or lets say akarmanayata(I heard of it in an H.S event I attended last night).He said if you are not able to complete a list of 100 things that bug u then you are a satisfied creature and you in your lifetime will never be able to innovate or design or improve a thing.Now that was a big blow to the innovator in me and guess what.....the list for which I had been crying for days was completed in just 6 min time..!Amazing!
I could actually figure out things that should not have been the way they are...
That's the reason sometimes I feel philosophy carries you away from the arena where the actual action happens.Though I cant stop looking at things and creating my own philosophy ,another thing which has to stop is inaction.
Actually this makes my list 101.Yepiiiiiiiii..

Can you think of 100 things that bug you?
TC

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Random thoughts

2006-01-15T13:10:19+01:00

Some random thoughts

For a course I was asked to pen down 100 things that bug me.Though we all have a habit of grumbling about many things in our life,but when I sat down to pen them down my list does not further a stupid number of 20.(I wonder why? Probably most things we grumble about are not worth remembering and hence not worth grumbling)

My friend wants an article on blogging for the college magazine.I hope I'll write something of use not all the crap I keep on writing here.Any suggestions?

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title-472447

2006-01-15T11:57:26+01:00

I dont know what to write but I am feeling like writing ,so I'll.For past few days I have been feeling the need to actually realize what you need from life.Now that seems a BIG task ,so it is better to divide it in bits ,into many moments and living each to the fullest.Everyone of us has things which might be passions or that which we love to do and things which we do not like to .Pursuing our passions and our responsibilities and creating new areas of interest is what is required to live every moment. Neglecting any 1 of these might leave us remorsing.
A lot of things are happening around.I see many people (which might just involve me)facing different tides of emotions.The only way out is having a positive and confident approach towards life and knowing that when you are around everything else shall come and go except you and that is what is the ultimate truth.Nothing in the whole wide world matters more than understanding oneself and that alone can land you in peace.
There are many more things that I wish I would have written here but I'll preserve it for a time when I am left wid no other idea.

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A dialogue between the sky and the sea

2006-01-13T15:25:05+01:00

"What is thine language , O Sea ?"

"Mine is of eternal question ...What is your language ,answer O Great Sky ."

"Mine is of eternal silence."

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Skip jump hop;hope ,clocks ,past

2006-01-09T22:40:13+01:00

My wings flap in the space of time.
I turn and see what I have left behind.
Is there nothing that I can call mine.
Memories are all that I can find.

Faces and people flash in my mind.
Feelings and thoughts get rewind.
Who says its easy to pretend;
that you don't care.
Look deep into the eyes;
its all written there.

Sand dunes change places with the wind.
The sea rises and goes behind.
Rocks move on with the river flow.
But times that were left were real slow.
They lingered at the paths that we crossed.
They still wait at the first ray of dawn.
They smell in the pickle that we shared.
They hang at the court hangers in the corners.
They jump from those mango trees.
They ride that cycle in threes.
They skip the rope.
They jump over blocks.
They skip the rope ..jump over blocks.
They skip the hope...jump over clocks.
Skip the hope ...jump over clocks.
I turn around,
And I find time there,
Not ready to skip,
Nor jump,
Nor move.
So time stays and I move on.
Skip jump hop ;hope, clocks, past.

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title-442231

2006-01-05T10:30:19+01:00

First things first ,a very HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my
blog friends and to everyone around.May you all find this year a storehouse of happiness for you and your family .

The last month was full of new experiences for me .I visited a place near Kullu (in H.P) ,called Village Jari.Now ,to be true, this was my first visit to a hill station and I found it wonderful. The beauty and serenity in the environment was not confined to a place or a tourist spot but splashed everywhere,almost everywhere I could see,even in that forest fire which lit whole of the mountain in the night ;a splendid scene which shall remain with me forever,which made me forget the disaster the fire was creating,or on the bridge which seemed to connect the past to the future,or in the hot springs on one side of the river and cold water on the other bank,or in the frozen waters which made time look on hold..so still,or on the faces and smiles of the kids,or my best buddy there a heater,or in the ignorant beliefs of the local people,or in the deep valleys ,holders of deep mysteries....

By the way I was on an educational trip and yes
enjoyment was coupled with information.It was my first encounter with actual engineering on grounds and it was awesome .The best part was when I went inside the cell where the turbine and its buckets were installed,my God and when I went into that underground tunnel in the mountains which was being blasted ,it was just great.My virtual knowledge got a touch of reality ,hopefully

Perhaps after a few years I might laugh at what I have written but right now these small things are touching my life and I am enjoying every moment.
One more thing, the place that I had visited was a
hydroelectric power project and it made me realize the power that the non conventional resources have which should be properly realized and utilized instead of walking with the crutches of fossil fuels.This will make the future of mankind more secure.

I watched - Twister,Teaching Mrs Tinkle ,Virudhh
,2nd cd (part)of Maine Gandhi ko nahi maara
,Bluffmaster and many more and enjoyed most of them.

Yet again a very happy new year to all of you and keep blogging .

Bye

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Dumb Words

2005-12-04T03:45:24+01:00

Five letters and they clutch my life........words
Express myself ...I can't
..........'cause they are just words

They are not enough
They are not sufficient
They never ever are
..........'cause they are just words

I am dumb
I am numb
I am out of words
Just when I need them the most
..........'cause they are just words

A wall brick by brick
......word by word
I build around me
...insecure...words

A thought that I will never share
A sigh about which you will never care
A moment that just passed by
A cloud in the sky
My silence speaks more
Than what you hear
But words make my silence stare
Humbly insufficient...
...........'cause they are just words

They never ended
Perhaps,they never started
Floating in his eyes ,I saw
Struggling , stretching
.........words
They were waiting
They were longing
.........But they were just words

A mirage
A mirror
Virtual
Unreal
..........words
..........words
..........dumb....... words

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Probing through a question

2005-11-29T08:46:54+01:00

Here as I live this phase of life ignorant of what the future has in store for me,its not often ,and that's bad on my part ,that I don't dwell much in the future and its
apprehensions.But this morning this article by V Raghunathan made me ponder over and question myself where I stand in this frame of time and space.I do owe something to this world and my country and I need to stand up for the right beliefs....And until I understand them and stand for them I would not be giving the due that I owe to this land I walk on,this air that I breathe in and the posterity which looks into my eyes ,full of hopes ,for they will have to start from where I leave.......

****

A QUESTION OF IDEALISM
By V Raghunathan(in Times Of India)

When I interviewed candidates for IIM-A entrance, I asked a rather naive question,'If you were running late for this interview, and stopped by a traffic cop for jumping a red light, what would you do?' Anyone who said he or she would slip the cop (getting things done, you see) a Rs 50 note stood to lose favour with me.

My theory was, idealism does wear thin with time, particularly in Indian conditions; if one has to be left with a reasonable amount of it by the time one is 50, one had better have it in great doses when one is young.I asked that question in the belief that a country whose youth were more pragmatic than idealistic had little hope. I believed that higher educational institutions must ensure that their raw material had idealism in good measure.

If only I'd known that one day that idea-lism could cost some bright youngsters their lives. I am referring to S Manjunath, MBA, IIM Lucknow, 2002. Sales manager of IOC, he was murdered on November 19 presumably by oil adulterators in UP.Manjunath was believed to be proceeding against the owner of Mittal Automobiles in Lakhimpur after the outlet was found involved in mass irregularities in supply of fuel.
Two years ago, Satyendra Dubey, an alumnus of IIT Mumbai and an employee of NHAI, lost his life for blowing the whistle on corrupt contractors. Does anyone know what happened to Dubey's murderers?

Our degene-rate system protects anyone powerful, even if the power flows from gun-runners masquerading as politicians. What can you expect from a political system that cultivates such a close nexus with criminals that it is increasingly difficult to tell the two apart?

It is not as if idealism and honesty are preserves of IITs and IIMs alone. There must be others who fought corruption at the cost of their lives. So what should the preceding generation advise today's youth?That they should stop being idealistic?
That they should be pragmatic and play the system? That you can bank on your political connections and/or the corruption and ineptitude of our system to get away with murder?

And what do we tell their parents? That it is better to have kids honest and dead than playing the system and alive? Or that justice will be done, assuming it ever is, if perpetrators of the crime are brought to justice — whatever justice has come to mean in our country?

Even if the perpetrators are punished, what do we tell ourselves? That the death of one low-life or two or six, will make up for the death of one bright and honest youth and that the exchange implies justice?

Or should we tell politicians it is all right for them to distribute petrol pumps, gas agencies, medical college admissions and other largesse to cronies, who can then murder people who question that system? That it is better to be a criminal politician of a mediaeval, wretched, poor and
ignorant country than a suave leader of a modern, enlightened, and educated superpower? And what do we tell posterity? That it is okay that as a country we have given nothing of note to the world in the last thousand years? That our claim to
fame is that we top the world in corruption, police brutality, moral bankruptcy, pollution, and filth?

Sadly, a country of one billion is happy to ride on the strong and honest shoulders of one Abdul Kalam, a Manmohan Singh, a Narayana Murthy, and maybe a dozen others.This is not a situation where we can find strength by looking up to others. If we wish
to find strength, we will have to look inwards — we learn to ask not whether the other is worthy of emulation by us, but whether we are worthy of emulation by others.

The writer is former professor, IIM Ahmedabad.

*****

What do you say,perhaps think! ,?

Comments

Vague - beauty

2005-11-27T07:53:03+01:00

Between the two forces telling me to write and the other pulling me away from this keyboard I finally yielded to the former....(Considering the factor that my Majors are a day far,this can be considered foolishness or another scholastic suicidal attempt...but as such it can't get worse.)

I have often wondered at the dubious ,apocryphal and abstruse concept of beauty.Nowadays I have been listening to music of almost all ages and genres and the description of beauty is one of the central themes to most and hence it brings forth its deserving or non deserving importance .People have defined it in their own ways ...ranging from depth of eyes ,the shapely curves , locking locks ,devil red lips , and what not...

One of the ways I define beauty is simple ,humble mystery..weird it may sound but think !This is exactly what would be everlasting beauty.

Running short of time here is another striking thoughts that occur to me (by Ben Jonson) when I think of beauty....
Check it out..

Still to be neat ,still to be drest,
As you were going to a feast;
Still to be powdered,still perfumed,
Lady,it is to be presumed.

Though art's hid causes are not found,
All is not sweet , all is not sound.
Give me a look ,give me a face,
That makes simplicity a grace;

Robes loosely flowing ,hair as free:
Such sweet neglect more taketh me;
Than all adulteries of art;
They strike mine eyes , but not my heart.

Comments

Hello Little Man !

2005-11-18T21:24:29+01:00

This was my rxn to 'Listen Little Man 'by Wilhelm Rhy.....a conversation between a little common man and a big one.... Easily the most lengthy and fruitful poem I have ever written ,I am going for a long break after this

***

Hello little man, on the street
I want to talk to you;
hold, do not retreat.

Listen little man;
To what is true.
The world is dying;
And so will you.

You lead your life with so much of inbuilt horror.
And this you bear as the greatest ever error.
That is the reason I wish to help you,
To give you the courage to judge yourself and
look straight through yourself in the mirror.

Hey I understand that you are a big man and presumably great
But all those you are searching for I lack each one of those traits
I am not that little as you say
And I am leading my life perfectly happy and gay
I have seen many great people and followed them too
If you wish I’ll keep you on the top of my list
And others shall be in queue.

Greatness is a meek word for you;
You butchered it into bits.
And when great people stand you slay them too.
Here is a difference between you and the great;
The great accept their weakness
And understand their fate
As a reciprocation of their actions which they generate
But you, little man run away from everything at the first sight that you hate
You try and hide your meekness in your mightiness
Your apprehensions in that superficial confidence
Your unseen unrecognized fears in that march of valor
But, as you see, little man
I am not letting you any further get deceived
To this false notion that for ages you have conceived.

Look, big man, the world is moving as it should
Why should I worry about it?
Why should?
There are people up there whom I have given power
They will look into what needs to be done
So let me hurry
I need to have a shower.

I understand, little man that in the past
Your ancestors got you the freedom that for granted now you take
But in handing it to you they made a big mistake.
The burning torch that they, to you, so laboriously handed
In filthy waters of bureaucracy, bondages and poverty it finally landed.

Half your population lives its life in unlivable condition
But still you take pride in calling yourself the fastest developing nation
Every five years, for just one day you are ordained, the king
For the rest five years the glory of that one day you sing
Henceforth you become a slave
To your saviors whom thy powers you gave.

Listen little man to what is true
The world is dying
And so will you

These saviors are your little great men
When from them you get distressed
You look up to the heaven
And try and find some rest.
No god shall come to you at a time of distress
Only you can save yourself from such a mess.

You say that there is no god
Then, why the hell, for centuries have we prayed to our Lords
Call him Jesus or Buddha whatever you may
The divine power vested in Him His say
If you deny this ultimate truth
Then on doom’s day no one can save you from His ruth.

Here little man you are mystified
Open, yet, closed are your eyes
Those whom you hail as Lords
Were just men
Though now you have put
They had no tags then
They had the courage to get enlightened within
The voyage of self-discovery they had begun

Buddha discovered himself under a banyan tree
He was happy to share with you how he got free
But you captured him in your whims and fancies
And bonded him in chains and locks
Of which he had found the keys
He told you
A statue against which you bow your head is none
But, you little man you molded him in one
And created temples in which sat the bonded Buddha that you captured
And sold him in markets to get the profits that you so solemnly nurtured
I pity you, little man
I pity thy little gains and aims.

Why do you dwell so much in the past?
The times today are real fast
Instant fame and instant cash
Of every simple thing you are making such a hash.

Here you give me another point
To link you to your meekness;
Here is another joint
Fast fame, cash and security you crave
But you forget that nothing comes faster and nothing is safer than the grave.
Happiness you have defined in a wrong sense
It is freedom from insecurities at any time and hence.
You rest thy insecurities in those whom you adore
In this process you create boundaries
And peep in the house of love through a locked door.
You created certificate to prove that you are really married
Such a noble emotion as that of love
The burdens of rules and regulations can it carry?
Or for that matter why do you angle thy brow
When you see a child ‘born out of wedlock’ grow
How can you forget, little man, that
Against whom you bent your hat
Jesus Christ was one of those.

You were frightened to discover love in you
Hence you associated love and lust with all its taboos
And though secretly the purity of love you craved
You suppressed your emotions
And like a saint you tried to behave.

Look I have had enough of it
I am of royal blood
And I demand dignity as return to my grit

Ha!The royal blood?
What is the difference between yours and mine?
I don’t see any dignity, yes, but I can hear a royal whine.
You hail supreme thy race
But without any reasons, you rest thy case.
There exist no reasons
How can they?
When all of us enjoy the same seasons
Same sun brightens and same air we breathe
But you created these status and races
So that you get someone upon whom your fury you can wreak

You little man can change it all
The new world is waiting and to you it calls
In that world as an individual you shall stand
And there you would not be herded into any regimal band
The beautiful songs of your heart, there shall you sing
And your mind and soul, in cohesion, on its tune will swing
You and your children will walk hand in hand
Past some past wreckage of sands
Of them you will tell the story
Of how the phoenix had risen out of these wreckage, in glory.

***

Comments

title-314333

2005-11-17T07:35:11+01:00

I never can understand people.The more I think so I begin to understand them.The more I think that I do understand them the more I dont.Do you understand ?

Comments

title-296148

2005-11-09T22:25:36+01:00

I was back home when I heard of the recent bomb blasts in different regions of Delhi ,including market areas that we frequent.The incident moved me more because I had been to the place ,had it been at a place I did not know of ,it could have been taken as just another incident like many that take place in Kashmir,or in the North East ,and at home,I followed all the media coverage of the incident ,which triggered my writing this post.

When such a terror attack takes place ,the war is not between the terrorist and the Higher powers of the countries ,rather the terrorists confront the society and challenge the people openly.It is not the Govt. or the Police who are there to witness the woes and cries ,it is the people.It is they who would have to live their lives with the scars of this time in their lives.The police file will be shut out soon.The Govt. shall change or another wind blowing on it ,like some charges on another High Profile minister,may draw its attention away from such -at a type hyped event-incident-tragedy.

When 9/11 took place ,sections of people in our country felt that now when America has got into the menace we have been facing for long , unlike us there people have got into their shells,and the vigour for life is more in us than them ,i.e , we tend to lead our lives in a more courageous way.

Is it true?
Are we more courageous?
True we get going on our jobs very soon,probably much earlier than the Americans do...
But isn't it so because we don't have an option?
Here life itself is a big question..
Then how can the struggle for life stop?

It is like on a war frontier.
You can see your friends ,those with whom you have shared your moments and memories ,dying ,but you can't stop to say goodbye ,because you have to move on ,on against your enemies or on against life -fighting life.

Comments

I dont know why am i writing this....

2005-11-05T19:44:55+01:00

There is a lot I have to do.Lots of things coming up.I could have better saved my time if I wasnt here.I dont know why am I writing this.But anyways I'll.

I was talking to one of my friends and we were discussing the weather and somehow the topic turned to what would we do after we had earned enough and were old enough not to care for the rest of the world.She told me of her wishes to retire in a cottage somewhere at a hill station ,near the mountains , near the sky ,she preferred the snow ,the cold and cosy season. I was listening to her ,and though I had never thought over the topic it was quite instinctive for me to opt for the sea in that case.I would definitely retire to a beach house or a place somewhere near the sea.

I have been to a number of beaches but recently I had been to a beautiful beach just a few months back and I still remember the calmness the rough sea gave me.I sat there just gazing at the horizons for a long time .A kind of mystery surrounded the place , generally mystery is associated to fear ,but somehow I was totally at peace with the surroundings and with myself.
Ahhh.........What nonsense!
I had just finished watching Hitch.For all those who havent seen it the story in brief...Hitch is a person who helps men to get there TRUE love ..'Even a beautiful woman doesnt know what she wants until she sees it ...Thats where I come in .... my job is to open her eyes...The basic principle -no matter what ,no matter when ,no matter whom any man has the chance to sweep any woman right off her feet....'He stresses on the fact the person for whom he is taking up the job must be truly in love.

My take - firstly the whole concept of being in love is so objective ,it hardly can be defined in strict boundaries and terms.I dont understand how he gets to know that a person is truly in love or not...and secondly why the hell you need this business bee buzzing in the garden of love...Cant things move naturally? What if 2 people who r not really in love ,thinking that they are ,actually end up messing their relation?..Isnt this man responsible?He cud say that he was employed for it but isnt it cheating the girl?...The heroine was making a point near the end of movie...but then this blind love doesnt let the heroine see the rational path...so ends up in the arms of
Hitch ..and this is where my hiccups start..
I have not been writing well for few days but as the art dies the desire to write burns all the more...so I write without rhyme or reason without popularity or profit without commentators and comments....and whats more from Appy's Lappy but then it is my prerogative to write..

Comments

title-283675

2005-11-04T20:45:52+01:00

Every evening after ,sometimes an enjoyable ,sometimes a tedious ,day I walk my way to my hostel ,I often come across the realization of ages in that short duration.There are things which place themselves so reasonably well in space and timings that once you realize them it looks stupid how could you ever miss their presence.

There is a garden on the way back , very aptly along the sideway ,so that it gives a side view to the future and the past.Each evening there are two stages of life which perch in this park.Kids of age 2-7 yrs ,giggling ,playing ,running about ,soiling themselves ,happy ,unknown with the worldly world ,true images of Godliness on earth and a lady probably of 70-80 age who is on a wheelchair-brought there by a maid .This old woman can not speak nor move her limbs.But just like a year old kid ,can only wince and cry.She cries when she feels discomfort ,she cries when she wants sunshine , she cries when she wants shade.The maid defines the lady's wishes in her way.

The same time space mesh views the horizon of life and death meet .The fleeting glances of youth passing by ,on his past and what could be his future ,creates the realization of the temporary phase of everything .The cherished desire of everyouthful days ,may not be hampered , but an inner vision of a deeper meaning of life gets surfaced.

Comments

O Dead God Rise !

2005-11-04T20:01:24+01:00

You lie there in your grave.Probably rigid in the way I left you.Not moving -still -neither twisting nor turning -neither batting you eyelid nor jerking your arm -neither snoring nor breathing -neither a smile nor a tear -YOU LIE THERE -DEAD.

I am on my way to your graveyard and when I look back down the memory lane I remember how happy we had been together.We had met where the sky and earth meet-up there-I can still feel that cloud in my hand-cloud.And as we trudged our way downhill how intertwined our lives had grown.I had been confident that these twingled strands were complimentary and could never be separated ,but when they did ,the smoothness had belied all my beliefs-Clouds-fogged my mind and my way.Do you remember the waves we had surfed hand in hand? You had risen and fallen with my highs and my lows.But tides were ,what they remained.

And then one day I walked away.Distances have their own ways of working their way out -of creating themselves.They did their work well.

A hole in the soul keeps it's wound always fresh.It never heals.So you never healed.

And when I returned you lay there still..looking straight into my eyes...your fixed eyes fixed .Your rigid hand caught mine.I knew who paralysed you -it was me.I knew who had crippled you -my unbelief.I did not understand you.

And when they had burried you deep under;a deeper me had surfaced.Your dumb cries have given me my voice ,today ,with which I invoke you.Your fixed eyes conceived in me the passion which gave birth to my longing to see you again.

The darkness within me has spread outside and while bit by bit I die I want you to get alive - so arise and get alive.

Comments

Dead from EEL Shocks

2005-10-23T15:10:10+02:00

An electrical engineering class -or a batti lecture as we call it was torturous enough(and that it always is) to make me write this sitting somewhere on the last benches of II-LT-1 in the middle of that lect.

Heads tossing left or right
And the proff there who wouldn't have died
Saying something we just cant hear
And writting Egyptian which is never ever clear
It seems as if
Everyone is about to drop
And eyes from their sockets will just now pop
And like corpses will they all fall?
And give me a good reason to get out from this hellish hall...
But I applaud the courage that they display
In each lecture and every morning that they so religiously replay...

Bye
I am already late for my visit to the mortuary....

Comments

That plant near the window

2005-10-22T15:39:25+02:00

I was sitting in the library when I saw a plant in a planter near a closed window when these thoughts occured to me...

The plant that peeps out through the window

Watches tall trees ,greener plants swaying with the wind

Dimpled look it gives to me and says ,

'Who cares ! I am safer within .'

*******

I found these beautiful lines written by Otto Harbach(1873-1963)...thought I'll share them with you..........

"
They asked me how I knew

My true love was true

I of course replied

'Something here inside
Cannot be denied'

Now laughing friends deride tears I cannot hide,

So I smile and say 'When a lovely flame dies,smoke gets in your eyes.'

Bye

Comments

Over a cup of coffee

2005-10-19T22:10:34+02:00

It was cold...rather very cold
Two souls sat eye to eye
The inner solitude of which they caught hold
Flew away with just one sigh

No one spoke yet much was exchanged
Moments ticked by and history they became
They stayed with them long after
The numbness had burst into pearls of laughter

Pages were blown away by the wind
They never returned
To that phase of life which they had just upturned

A cup of coffee is full of caffeine they say
It lingers on your heart for long
I believe it is more the coffee than the caffeine that may
So as she sips her cup each day
that warm touch which never was
with her will forever stay......

Comments